16th Decmber 2006
Why hadn’t the vicar bothered to shave for Freddie’s christening? Why has Jason taken to smiling so much? Why does Sally iron Kevin’s shirts? Why does nobody ever use contraception? Why do Charlie’s shirts have no buttons? These were just a few of the questions bothering me in this week’s storylines – a week that saw Charlie don a new red shirt that, like the old blue one, flapped wildly, seemingly buttonless; and Violet revealed that she was carrying Jamie’s child – unlike his step-mum, who is merely sleeping with her child – okay, stepson, but it’s still sick.

Tomorrow Frankie starts to worry about Danny’s disappearance and phones his mother, only to discover that he is not there. On Monday, when Viv turns up in Weatherfield to get to the bottom of her son’s disappearance, she is horrified to learn what has been going on between Frankie and Jamie; and upon hearing that a body has been found in the canal, she accuses the pair of Danny’s murder (Don’t panic: it’s not his). Come on: Jamie can barely see past that fringe to reach his toothbrush in the morning, let alone brandish a murder weapon. On Wednesday Frankie confronts Jamie about the night at the viaduct, but he walks out, horrified at her distrust. On Friday, when he returns home after staying out all night, he suggests that they start a new life together in Spain.

I really wish that the residents of Weatherfield would look at a map and discover that Spain is not the only country in the world outside the UK. The Websters recently made it to Paris but have probably been in therapy ever since, owing to the shock to their systems.

Cilla decides to lie about her test results tomorrow, when Chesney informs her of Les and Yana’s fling, and on Monday asks her husband to make her final dream come true – swimming with dolphins in Florida (What? Not flying to the Costa del Sol?). I really hope that comes off: Cilla among dolphins? The poor devils will be scared witless; they’ll be jumping through hoops purely in the hope of scaling the pool’s changing room walls and landing on the highway.

On Friday Rosie discovers that her sister’s psychic powers are as a result of her reading Ivy Tilsley’s old diary. Eh? Ivy could write?

9th Decembner 2006
Christmas has come early for Charlie, who was sporting
yet another new vest this week. Charlie’s increased
vest budget is doubtless the real reason that the
Street’s stars are being denied a Christmas party this
year, but at this rate Granada will have to start
sacking people, too. Lucky Charlie’s going, really,
and maybe his departure could free up some money to
get Amy some toys. What, pray, does Tracy keep packing
in that rucksack every time the child goes round to
Deirdre’s, because the girl doesn’t own a sausage?
“She’s really looking forward to it” said Tracy, of
this week’s visit. Difficult to tell, I’d have
thought, since her speaking skills come second even to
her playing ones.
Tracy has other things on her mind on Monday, when
she worries that her plan is at risk after Claire sees
her and Charlie enjoying their time at the pub. She
therefore wastes no time in scalding herself with a
hot iron (She knew how to plug it in? A miracle!) and
Claire insists on taking her to the medical centre. On
Wednesday Claire finds her some information about a
women’s refuge, but Tracy will have to employ all her
cunning to fool the Samaritans there.
It’s the big day of Freddie’s christening tomorrow,
when Eileen must undergo her own baptism before
becoming one of the boy’s godmothers. Bev is the other
one, and when she starts to play hostess at the party
back at the house, Claire and Ashley realise that they
have a major problem on their hands.
Sally and Kevin also have a problem in the form of
Bill, who has wasted no time in becoming intimate with
Audrey. “It’s the things I haven’t done that I
regret,” she told him on Friday, before whisking him
upstairs. Tomorrow the pair come to a domestic
arrangement that will have the locals’ tongues wagging
even more. My worry is that with his moustache and her
abundance of hair, how either of them is going to come
out of the whole experience alive.

2nd December 2006
It was a heavy week for the postman, who got to say
“Morning” this week. It’s all he’s had to do since
David sent his sinister cards to Gail, and the
postman’s family will doubtless be glad that he has
this extra work just in time for Christnas. His big
task after saying “Morning” was to deliver a Christmas
card to Ashley from Matt, asking to see Josh over the
festive period. At this rate, the exhausted postman
will have to take a fortnight off after Christmas Eve.
Matt is the last thing on Claire’s mind as Tracy
ups the ante with Charlie. Tomorrow she feigns being a
prisoner after unscrewing the handle of her bedroom
door, and Claire is quick to come running when she
cries for help. When Claire reveals all to Deirdre,
Tracy’s cannot resist a sly smile. If only she could
find time in all this to take Amy to see Santa – or
even feed the poor mite (I think she last ate around
Easter) – then we might rest a little easier.
On Monday Tracy tries to start a row with Charlie,
but he won’t comply. Why didn’t she try asking him why
he changed on Monday from his blue shirt and white
vest to a turquoise vest and red shirt? It was really
creepy: as if Prince Philip had suddenly decided to
don a tutu. The fake row winds Charlie up, and on
Wednesday it looks as if her plan is in danger of
being rumbled – again.
I’m glad we’re away from that viaduct where so many
of last week’s scenes were shot; I was beginning to
get vertigo. It’s a shame that Danny’s gone, though;
and an even greater shame that Jamie appears to be
staying. Danny ended up giving him everything,
claiming that this would be proof that he forgave him
– everything, that is, except the card of a decent
hairdresser.
There might not be one in Weatherfield for long,
either, because on Monday shampoo and sets are the
last thing on Audrey’s mind when she sees that Bill
has returned. He’s come back for a job (doubtless the
one that Charlie never gets around to finishing) and
will be around until Christmas.

25th November 2006
It was obvious from the moment that Danny said
“Everything’ll be fine, you’ll see,” that his life was
soon going to crumble apart. Sure enough, he then
found his son in bed with his wife (as you do) and
facing the worry of how on earth he was going to get
Jamie’s hairspray off the sheets.
Life is about to get a whole lot worse for him, and
on Monday he heads for a secluded viaduct to do a bit
of soul searching. He’s back there again on Wednesday,
when he drowns his sorrows in a bottle of whisky,
throws it over the edge and contemplates following it
on its journey.
It’s a bit of a viaduct-heavy week for Danny,
because you know what? He’s back there yet again on
Friday, this time with Jamie in tow. Why Jamie would
get into a car with his unbalanced father who nearly
killed him this week is anybody’s guess, but then
Jamie has never been the sharpest tool in the box –
we’re talking monkey wrench, really. But there they
are, father and son, hovering at the edge, both
literally and metaphorically, and Danny issues his son
with an ultimatum: give up Frankie, or he will jump.
Given the father/son relationship, doesn’t that make
it a win/win situation for Jamie? Keep Frankie and get
shot of your father, all in one jump – as it were. All
I can tell you is that their antics result in a
dangerous game from which one of them will not return.
It’s a bit of a bad week for Cilla, too, and on
Monday she gets some bad news from the hospital. It
transpires that she hasn’t been having an affair,
after all, and the latest storyline will give Wendi
Peters (who plays Cilla) the chance to spread her
wings and play something other than comedy. On
Wednesday Yana moves in on Les and he takes advantage
of Cilla’s absence to enjoy a quick fling. What is it
with that man and women who sell chips?
It looks as if Tracy’s dangerous game might be up
on Friday, when Charlie wonders why Claire has been
asking so many suspicious questions. Why do you never
change your shirt? Why don’t you buy a razor? Why does
the building you have been working on for aeons never
make any progress?

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