16th Decmber 2006
I’m not sure where Bradley sticks out most like a sore thumb – in his old suit in the Square, or his new suit at the office. And I still haven’t the slightest clue what he does for a living; he doesn’t seem to have much idea, either.

Still, at least it’s given him the opportunity to meet some new people and spend the odd night somewhere other than the Vic. On Tuesday he has the good sense not to invite Stacey to his office party and lies about it being an invitation for him and a guest. On Thursday, however, she discovers the truth and turns up anyway – wearing what, from her dreadful stall, we can only imagine with horror. Inevitably, the scene turns ugly, and when the wine starts being thrown, Bradley decides that it is time for Stacey to go. For him, the relationship is over, especially when he returns home to discover that Stacey has smashed his car up. Now, how come he hasn’t been able to afford a deposit on a flat, yet managed to scrape together thousands for a top of the range motor? Even with the bonus he was awarded this week, the most I’d have thought he could have afforded was extra bacon on his breakfast at the café. On Friday Stacey moves on quickly and makes a pass at Max. What woman chooses one ginger haired bloke in a lifetime, let alone two? What will she do next? Buy up shares in Ginger Nuts?

Also on Friday, there are more ugly scenes at the Fowlers’ in a week that sees everyone discovering the truth about Pauline’s illness. What a hideous old bag Pauline has turned into; far from feeling tearful when she announces that she is leaving on Christmas Day to live with Michelle in America, Martin should be singing from the rooftops. Michelle, I suspect, already has her bags packed for the Outer Hebrides.

9th December 2006
The gymnasium that has become EastEnders was in full
throttle this week. Down in Dorset, the
Wicks/Fox/Trueman holiday began with Patrick walking
in and out of the room; then it was Denise, mimicking
that storming in/out stuff that she enjoys so much
when she is in the Square. First she was going, then
she wasn’t, then she was; then Patrick was going, then
he wasn’t; then they all had to go because Kevin
claimed that the VAT inspector had arranged an
emergency visit. I was giddy from all the exercise. “I
need to clear my ‘ead,” said Denise (never a long
process, in her case). She wasn’t the only one.
On Monday Pat can tell that Kevin hasn’t been the
same since his return, and when Denise tries to grill
him about Shirley, he is uncommunicative (no surprises
there). Not even his birthday can cheer him up on
Tuesday, but he decides that he has to tell Carly and
Deano about Shirley – his ex-wife/bird from Bad
Girls/strange psycho in Dorset that bore more than a
passing resemblance to Myra Hindley.
Carly realises on Tuesday that the pregnancy
testing kit on the minibus belonged to Dawn, and on
Thursday Rob inadvertently drops himself in it when he
discovers that Dawn has been to see May. His wife
wastes no time in telling him to get lost, but Dawn
too is left heartbroken when he hands her the money
for a termination. With May trying to get pregnant
through IVF, it’s an ironic situation, but when Rob
cancels Dawn’s call it seems he is resolute about not
being with her.
Pauline, meanwhile (I really wish she would hurry
up and pop her miserable clogs) continues to lie about
her non-existent brain tumour on Monday, but is forced
to come clean when Ian threatens to reveal all to
Martin. It’s a week of revelations, and on Tuesday
Martin and Sonia tell Rebecca that they are her
parents. Unless she’s been living in a bin bag, I
suspect she’d pretty much worked that out for herself.

2nd December 2006
“I want everything just like it was before,” said
Pauline on Monday. You and me both. Before as in the
days when the Mitchells ruled the roost, or the
Slaters were having it away with the Mitchells and the
Moons; or even before as in the days when the most
exciting thing to happen was Mark changing his black
leather jacket when faced with the excitement of
selling more than two apples a week from the stall.
But no, now we have interminable storylines about
the Foxes/Wickses/Truemans that bang on and on and on
in the same dreary tone. After last week’s excitement
surrounding Jane and Ian – the mudfight was terrific
and must have been enormous fun to do – we are back to
Tedium Territory on Monday when the FWT clan go on
holiday together. Kevin’s big surprise is that he has
booked them into a big white house, although how he
has managed to do this on the mere grand he won on the
pools is a mystery; it wouldn’t even buy him a meal
for four at Fargo’s, the so-called posh, over-lit
restaurant, where you’re lucky to get your starter
before the cock crows.
Patrick, ever the one for impeccable timing, takes
this opportunity to tell Denise that he is not her
father. Far from this being a huge relief, she is
furious and on Tuesday announces it to the rest of the
Also on Tuesday, back in the Square, there is more
tedium when Mo is sulking because because Bert hadn’t
told her that he was going to see Evie, and on Friday
. . . Oh, what the heck, she dies. To be honest, I’m
losing the will to live myself.

25th November 2006

Ruby is in serious danger of giving herself spinal
damage if this shoulder-shrugging goes on any longer.
Now, instead of raising her shoulders at the end of
every sentence, she is raising them every time she
takes a pause in the middle as well. “So long as it
all . . . “ - shoulder shrug - “went all right,” -
shoulder shrug, she said to Stacey this week. It
really is driving me completely nuts, and now Stacey
has started doing it, too. Walford is fast turning
into one long advert for Hunchbacks R Us.
The good news of the week was that there was a fire
at Pauline’s; the bad, that she survived it. On
Tuesday, however, she has news for Martin and Joe that
make them think that her days are definitely numbered
– but is she telling the truth, or is it yet another
means of manipulating her son’s life?
It’s the day of Ian and Jane’s wedding on Friday
and, as weddings invariably do, it goes horrifically
wrong. Ian is hoping to humiliate Jane by revealing
details of her affair with Grant, but when she doesn’t
turn up, his evil plan is left in tatters. Remember,
of course, that Mel walked out on him on their wedding
day, after discovering that he lied about Lucy having
In all this, there is a lot of slapping next week –
Pauline slaps Joe, Jane slaps Ian and, on Friday,
Peggy slaps Phil for having told Ian about Grant and
Jane. She then throws a plate of food across the room.
Why can’t anyone just sit down and eat the sausage
rolls for once - or is that too conventional?