16th December 2006
Now, steady on, Jack: you never bought Victoria a toy when she was growing up and barely said a word to her until she was ten, yet tomorrow you’re berating Diane for “neglecting” her. The words pot, kettle and black spring to mind.

All that happens is that an 18 year old starts chatting her up, little knowing that she is only 12. Victoria is mortified when Jack sends her home and on Monday she refuses to go on a long bike ride with him, Diane and Daz. It all ends in disaster, anyway, when Diane decides to race Daz and comes off her bike – That’s in addition to her trolley, presumably, which is what appears to be happening. Jack wants her to see a doctor to discuss her recent erratic behaviour, but she claims only to be living life to the full, following her near death experiences. So, what do they do? Make up and have sex in the bushes. Too much information?

I don’t know about you, but I am sick to the back teeth of Tom and all his business rubbish. How is he making so much money if all he ever does is talk about it? On Friday he decides to put Carl in charge of his “empire” (oh, for heaven’s sake, man), as he is the only one he reckons he can trust. Chas, meanwhile, is given the boot.

9th December 2006
Just as the show got some decent older totty for
straight women, what do they go and do but make him
gay. Yes, tomorrow we discover that although Gray is
in love with his wife, they have an “arrangement”.
This all comes out when Paul hears some youths
attacking a man and hurling homophobic insults. He is
shocked to discover the identity of his victim and
whisks him off to a gay bar. On Monday Perdy is none
too pleased to discover that Gray has been up to his
old tricks, but mistakenly believes that he has been
having a dalliance with Paul. Eventually, she believes
him, but not before reminding him of her own one-
night stand – with Matthew. Is there any woman who
hasn’t had that guy?
Also on Monday, Tom announces that he and Rosemary
will be having a Christmas Day wedding, but a cloud
quickly descends over the nuptials on Wednesday, when
Rosemary reveals to Tom that she is penniless. On
Thursday Tom makes a visit to the solicitor’s to
change his will, saying that he is doing so to protect
Matthew’s interests. Why bother. To be honest, the man
will be far too busy bedding women to be able to spend
a penny of his inheritance.

2nd December 2006
Having enjoyed years spending more time bedding local
floozies than chatting with God, Ashley goes all
religious on the locals on Tuesday when he is maddened
by the pitiful turnout at his prayer meeting. The
reason? Everyone is more attracted to the music coming
from Laurel’s party. On Wednesday Laurel shares her
worries about her husband’s behaviour with Emily and
also confesses that she is pregnant. Ashley’s desire
for stability, however, throws everything she hopes
for into doubt, so how long will it be before she
shares the news with him?
It’s a bit of a religious week all round, and
tomorrow Emily encourages Paddy to seek religious
counsel when he wakes to discover that Toni has
vanished after spending the night with him. That seems
to me a case of shutting the stable door after the
horse has bolted – which, by the way, one does
tomorrow, when Jo startles it into throwing Katie to
the ground. It’s not the first time anyone’s found
themselves on their back in the vicinity of the
stables, so I’m not over worried.

25th November 2006

Goodness, those Kings can be boring. All that talk of
contracts and suppliers and chairman and management
and . . . On and on they go. I preferred it when they
just quaffed champagne and tried to get off with the
locals; but the more serious they become, the more
ridiculous they sound. Still, all that looks set to
change, now that Kelly is getting her claws into Jimmy
again. On Monday she dupes Emily by claiming that Paul
has agreed that she can move in with them, but is not
impressed on Tuesday when Emily draws up a cleaning
rota. She might want to get moving a bit faster on the
Jimmy front. Anyway, no one should be cleaning with
that chest; it would frighten the Dyson.
There’s a new face in the village tomorrow, and Del
wastes no time in chatting him up. He claims that he’s
there to find his father, and on Wednesday we discover
his identity. But is he just after money that his
father took from his mother when he left her? It’s
only 20 grand, for goodness sake. That wouldn’t buy
you lunch for four at The Woolpack these days.
On Friday there is romance in the air for Paddy and
Toni, when he comforts her after she is ditched by a
guy because of her scar. In a village in which serial
killers can find romance on a daily basis, a little
scar isn’t going to hold too many people back.