16th December 2006
Christian of the week:

“D’you think the vicar would notice if I had my i-pod on?” Tracy Barlow, attending Freddie’s christening, Coronation Street.

Greatest socialite:
“I know an amazing beadwork site on the net.” Hayley Cropper, Coronation Street.

Most cruel retort:
“Oh, go to Wigan and don’t come back.” Tracy Barlow, to Charlie Stubbs, Coronation Street.

Least believable comment:
“I woz juss finkin’.” Stacey Slater, EastEnders.

Mother-in-law of the century:
“Lying, vindictive little cow . . . I always thought it was just a dog that went back for its vomit.” Pauline Fowler, to Sonia Fowler, EastEnders.

Most insane wish:
“I wish I could be more like you.” Bradley Branning, to Stacey Slater, EastEnders.

Most welcome news:
“She’s barely breathing.” Rachel Armstrong, about Tasha Hunter, Home and Away.

Biggest sign of imminent misery:
“I know I’m the happiest I’ve ever been; nothing’s gonna spoil it now.” Rachel Armstrong, Home and Away.

Question least in need of an answer:
“Do you think they’ll want me to take my top off?” Gilly Roach, about escort agency work, Hollyoaks.

Least fulfilled ambition:
“I’m just tryna make something of my life.” Steph Dean, Hollyoaks.

9th December 2006
Shortest task:

“I wanted to pick your brains.” Gail Platt, to Kevin
Webster, Coronation Street.

The million dollar question:
“What goes on inside women’s ‘eads?” Charlie Stubbs,
to Jason Grimshaw, Coronation Street.

Grateful for small mercies award:
“I haven’t got much time, have I? Evie, to Bert
Atkinson, EastEnders.

Character most in tune with viewers:
“This is just turning into the weirdest day; I can’t
cope.” Denise Fox, to Kevin Wicks, EastEnders.

Most deluded festive reveller:
“There’s loads of stuff on the TV.” Josh Ashworth, on
why he likes Christmas, Hollyoaks.


2nd December 2006
Seduction of the week:

“ ‘ere, I brought you a fish.” Yana Lumb, to Les
Battersby, Coronation Street.

Greatest girlie support:
“You’d think a simple mirror would give her more than
enough to worry about.” Tracy Barlow, about Claire
Peacock, Coronation Street.

Worst potential news from the other side:
“Wherever you are . . . I’ll be watching over you.”
Pauline Fowler, to son Martin, EastEnders.

Biggest statement of the obvious:
“You could do so much better than him.” Jane Collins’s
mother, EastEnders.

Romantic of the week:
“Women. Can’t live with ‘em; can’t stick them in the
freezer till later.” Rhys Ashworth, Hollyoaks.

4th November 2006
Media analyst of the week:

“Typical Guardian reader: all talk an’ no do.” Cilla
Battersby-Brown, about Ken Barlow, Coronation Street.

Fondest memory:
“At least with Fatty Arbuckle, it was a one-night
stand.” Tracy Barlow, recalling Charlie Stubbs’
quickie with Shelley Unwin, Coronation Street.

Least surprising news:
“Grant – ‘e didn’t speak till ‘e was nearly three
years old.” Peggy Mitchell, about son Grant,

Cuckold of the year:
“Thirty three years and she gives it all up for a gas
fitter from Basildon.” Vincent the councillor, on the
break-up of his marriage, EastEnders.

Character most in tune with viewers’ sentiments:
“There’s only so long that you can keep it going.”
Jack Holden, after yet another tragedy, Home and Away.

21st October 2006
Most ungrateful consumer:

“Free DVDs! It’s either The Railway Children or summat
miserable with Trevor Howard.” Blanche Hunt, to Rita
Sullivan, Coronation Street.

Relate sympathiser of the week:
“The number o’ fellers Audrey Roberts ‘as ‘ad over the
years, she should ‘ave a turnstile in place of a
bedroom door.” Blanche Hunt, Coronation Street.

Most scary invitation:
“You may kiss the bride again.” Martha “Tombstone
Teeth” Martha Holden, to Jack Hunter, Home and Away.

Shortest-lived honeymoon period:
“The only option for Jack is a liver transplant.”
Hospital doctor, following Jack and Martha’s explosive

Least desirable words to say to a lover:
“You’re gonna be late for school.” Becca Dean, to
Justin Burton, Hollyoaks.

14th October 2006
Job’s Comforter Award:

“Still, you’re getting on now: if you’re miserable,
you won’t have that long to endure it.” Blanche Hunt,
to Fred Elliott, pending his wedding, Coronation

Greatest mission impossible:
“Can’t you just be normal?” Claire Peacock, to husband
Ashley, Coronation Street.

Gourmet of the week:
“Salad? In October?” Pat Butcher, EastEnders.

Most deluded judgment:
“She’s not stupid, is she?” Pat Butcher, to Jake Moon,
about Ruby Allen, EastEnders.

Romantic of the week:
“You comin’ or what?” Matthew King, inviting Perdy
Hyde-Sinclair for a quickie, Emmerdale.

7th October 2006
Biggest sign of impending coffin:

“You’re going to marry her and the pair of you are
going to live happily ever after.” Audrey Roberts, to
Fred Elliott, about forthcoming marriage to Bev Unwin,
Coronation Street.

Most eventful plot:
“We’re outa brown sauce.” Jane Collins, to Ian Beale,

Least likely scenario:
“Can we just let things get back to normal, please?”
Jane to Ian, EastEnders.

Most complex teenagers:
“Between getting pregnant and being a lesbian, she
seems a bit confused. Debbie Dingle, about Jasmine
Thomas, Emmerdale.

Least surprising news:
“You do look awful.” Nancy Hayton, to Becca Dean,

23rd September 2006
Insane businessman of the year:

“I really think this factory could go places.” Liam
Connor, about Underworld, Coronation Street.

Biggest statement of the obvious:
“Bradley – ‘e can be a bit of a muppet, can’ ‘e?” Sean
Slater, EastEnders.

Least believable plotline:
“I was thinking . . . “ Billy Mitchell, EastEnders.

Most welcome news:
“You’ve hardly said a word since last night.” Becca
Dean, to Justin Burton, Hollyoaks.

Greatest courtroom dread:
“I would like to represent you.” Morag Bellingham, to
Barry Hyde, Home and Away.

16th September 2006
Greatest echo of viewers’ sentiments:

“He’s just got one o’ those faces you wanna slap,
‘asn’ ‘e?” Paul Connor, about Adam Barlow, Coronation

Most touching sibling affection:
“Well, if it isn’t the big fat boring breadhead.” Liam
Connor, about brother Paul, Coronation Street.

The million dollar question:
“Don’t you ever shut up?” Sean Slater, to Ruby Allen,

Best banter:
“At least I can look in the mirror.” “They make them
that big?” Charlie and Sean Slater, EastEnders.

Most obvious sign of imminent doom:
“Happiest I’ve been in a long time . . . I reckon I’m
on a pretty safe wicket with this one.” Irene Roberts,
about killer Barry Hyde, Home and Away.

9th September 2006

Greatest self-awareness:

“The minute ‘e said “Think”, I knew it were game
over.” Kirk Sutherland, to Fiz Brown, Coronation

Most protective mother:
“They’re high maintenance, highly strung bitches.” Liz
McDonald, to son Steve, about his romantic conquests,
Coronation Street.

Greatest damning by faint praise:
“I think she looks beautiful – especially from
be’ind.” Dot Branning, about Honey Edwards,
EastEnders, EastEnders.

Loudest alarm bell:
“Everything’s perfect.” Peggy Mitchell, EastEnders.

Loudest chorus of alarm bells:
“I’m too happy to be brought down by you two.” Sophie
Burton, to Justin and Mel Burton, Hollyoaks.

19th August 2006
Romantic of the week:

“I think you’re a top bird, actually, an’ you got a brain.” Charlie Stubbs, about Maria Sutherland, Coronation Street.

Best comparison:
“She’ll be all over ‘im like Anne Diamond on a smorgasbord.” Sean Tully, about singer and new barmaid Michelle, Coronation Street.

Most deluded self-assessment:
“I was a chromosome away from being Madonna.” Michelle (played by ex-Hear’Say singer, Kym Marsh), about herself, Coronation Street.

Least likely outcome:
“I’m gonna try an’ give ‘er just a little bit of normal.” Martin Fowler, about daughter Rebecca, EastEnders.

Most laughable statement:
“I am a legal practitioner.” Morag Bellingham, Home and Away.

12th August 2006
Least likely to be fulfilled hope:

“I’m in dire need of some sane conversation.” Sally
Webster, to Gail Platt, Coronation Street.

Neighbour of the week:
“She’s nothing but a snotty cow an’ nowt else.” Cilla
Battersby-Brown, about Sally Webster, Coronation

Unlikeliest event:
“I just wan’ us to get back to normal.” Jim Branning,
to wife Dot, EastEnders.

Estranged mother-in-law from hell:
“Do you really think we’d leave a drunken trollop like
you in charge of that little girl?” Pauline Fowler, to
Sonia Fowler, EastEnders.

Award for most disgruntled parishioner:
“You stupid, clueless git.” Cain Dingle, to the
Reverend Ashley Thomas, Emmerdale.

5th August 2006
Never a truer word . . .

“What is it about the Rovers? It’s just minging.”
David Platt, Coronation Street.

Social event of the week:
“Let’s stop off and get some ginger creams.” Sally
Webster, Coronation Street.

Invitation of the week:
“Why don’t you all come round to Pat’s? We got DVDs
an’ a cocktail bar.” Kevin Wicks, to the Fox family,

Dodgiest contribution to the sisterhood:
“A woman workin’ in a garage. I mighta guessed there’d
be somethin’ wrong with you.” Pauline Fowler, to Carly
Wicks, EastEnders.

Most hoped for plot:
“I’ve got the drugs in here to kill you . . .” Alice
Dingle’s nurse, to Shadrach Dingle, Emmerdale.

29th July 2006
Neighbour of the week:

“I’ve seen families like yours on Jerry Springer.”
Gail Platt, to Eileen Grimshaw, Coronation Street.

Most shameless ITV promotion:
“We don’t wanna give you that!” Danny “Tarrant”
Baldwin, ripping up Leanne’s cheque, Coronation

Age Concern award for sensitivity:
“She’s old – nearly 40.” Chelsea Fox, about mother
Denise, EastEnders.

Greatest alphabet anorexic:
“You’re a fief!” Stacey Slater, to Juley Smith,

Worst news when in trouble:
“I’m her solicitor.” Morag Bellingham, Home and Away.

22nd July 2006
Delusion of the week:

“I’m in me prime; never been primer.” Fred Elliott, Coronation Street.

Best buddies:
“I’ve just had a hippopotamus with split ends invite me to ‘er leaving do.” Tracy Barlow, to Charlie Stubbs, about Shelley Unwin, Coronation Street.

Greatest socialite:
“I’ve got some cans for tonight.” Bradley Branning to Stacey Slater, EastEnders.

Biggest sign of imminent disaster:
“Nothing is gonna go wrong.” Billy Mitchell, about (disastrous) nuptials, EastEnders.

Most terrifying thought:
“He’ll wear glasses just like me – even if he doesn’t need them.” Robbie Hunter, about wife Tasha’s baby (courtesy of Jonah), Home and Away.

15th July 2006
Philosopher of the week:

“Sometimes perfect men can be like milk – they go
off.” Audrey Roberts, Coronation Street.

Least likely to be fulfilled hope:
“I just want to have a normal family.” Sean Tully,
Coronation Street.

Best dialogue:
“ ‘e’s really let ‘imself go.” “ ‘ow can you tell?”
Mickey Miller and Dawn Swann, EastEnders.

Most astute observation:
“I don’t like you; you make everyone sad.” Young
Rebecca, to Sonia Fowler, EastEnders.

Character most in tune with viewers’ sentiments:
“Did you understand a word of that?” Kit Hunter, about
Robbie Hunter, Home and Away.

8th July 2006
Greatest educational highlight:

“I think that’s enough of the Balkans – for today.”
Ken Barlow, to David Platt, Coronation Street.

Flirty linguist of the week:
“Don’t get bitter, let’s ‘ave lager” (ho ho). Shelley
Unwin, to Steve McDonald, Coronation Street.

Biggest statement of the obvious:
“There’s more to life than this.” Dawn Miller

Best Socrates impression:
“Iss funny, innit? ‘Ow life can change in an instant?”
Rose Miller, EastEnders.

Award for way too much information:
“You are the receptacle for Viv and Bob’s creation . .
. What if you’re stuck with your stepfather’s baby?”
Marlon Dingle, to wife Donna, Emmerdale.

1st July 2006
Greatest maternal instinct:

“There are days I’d swop ‘im for a Christtmas hamper –
a cheap one.” Maureen, about son Sean Tully,
Coronation Street.

Worst sales patter:
“She’s like a young Beonce – without the hips . . .
Or the voice . . . Or the money.” Sean Tully, to Adam
Baldwin, about Joanne Jackson, Coronation Street.

Tenderest reunion:
“Wot? No ‘ug?” Max Branning, to son Bradley he hadn’t
seen for 13 years, EastEnders.

Least likely to be fulfilled hope:
“Where is it – this magical world where everything’s
gonna work out?” “Here.” Tanya and Max Branning,

Scariest insult:
“I’ll get you, you grub!” Alf Stewart, to Josh West,
Home and Away.

24th June 2006
Least surprising news:
“I’ve only got a small brain.” Janice Battersby,
Coronation Street.

Cosmopolitan venturer of the week: “You can’t go all the way to France without a clean
‘ankie, can yer?” Sally Webster, to daughter Rosie,
Coronation Street.

Greatest psychological insight: ‘They’re all from Venus and we’re all from Dagenham.”
Kevin Wicks, on the subject of women, EastEnders.

Relate award for counsellor potential: “Save that carin’, sharin’, stuff for the girls you’re
gonna marry.” Deano Wicks, to Bradley Branning, about
Stacey Slater, EastEnders.

Heritage Coast employee of the week: “I don’t trust the Cornish.” Jean Hope, Emmerdale.

17th June 2006
Greatest romantic:
“We’ve all done it – slept with a mate’s missus.”Vernon Tomlin, Coronation Street.

Deluded comic of the week: “I’m a very funny man.” Les Battersby, CoronationStreet.

Deluded businessman of the week: “I used to be Mr Big round ‘ere.” Ian Beale, EastEnders.

Least welcome storyline: “Thanks for bringing Ben back.” Phil Mitchell, to Ian Beale, EastEnders.

Most bizarre deathbed comfort: “Sally loves you to death, mate; like there’s no tomorrow.” Alf Stewart, to the dying Flynn Saunders, Home and Away.

10th June 2006
Deluded grandfather of the week:
“You’re a bright lad.” Keith Appleyard, to Craig Harris, Coronation Street.

Biggest sign of imminent regret: “You are not gonna regret this.” Leanne Battersby to Danny Baldwin, after engagement, Coronation Street.

Best parting shot: “You lying, scheming, self-obsessed, greedy bitch.” Grant Mitchell, to wife Carla, EastEnders.

Greatest regret: “I can’t believe I gave that rotten cow my special recipe for steak ’n’ kidney pudding.” Peggy Mitchell, about daughter-in-law Carla, EastEnders.

Understatement of the week: “Tell her (ie their mother) you messed up.” Nancy Hayton, to sister Becca, following the latter’s affair with schoolboy Justin.

3rd June 2006

Budding Relate counsellor of the month:
“Things ‘urt.” Fred Elliott, Coronation Street.

Bitch of the week: “She can ‘old on to a grudge tighter than Catherine Zeta Jones to ‘er Oscar.” Sean Cotton, about his mother, Coronation Street.
Greatest romantic: “I’m not ready for another relationship, but the occasional visit to the shed . . . “ Carly Wicks, to Martin Fowler, EastEnders.
Shortest transaction: “I’ll give her a piece o’ my mind.” Pauline Fowler, about Sonia Fowler, EastEnders.
The million dollar question: “What kind of person am I?” Leah Baker, Home and Away.

27th May 2006

Least likely to be fulfilled hope:
“I wanna be ‘appy.” Leanne Battersby, Coronation Street.

Socrates impressionist of the week:“ ‘ho needs complications, not when things can be dead simple, eh?” Dawn Swann, to Oliver Cousins, EastEnders.

Personality change of the century:“I came ‘ome, to find what I’d lost out there . . . to be Grant Mitchell again.” Grant “born again” Mitchell, EastEnders.

Most devastating Australian insult:“I’ve had it with that flamin’ mongrel!” Alf Stewart, about Josh West, Home and Away.

Least awaited heroic act:“I’ll drag her home if I have to.” Robbie Hunter, about Tasha Andrews, Home and Away.

20th May 2006
Liar of the week:
‘You’ve got a lot of positive things in your life.’ Audrey Roberts, to daughter Gail Platt, Coronation Street.

Best gastronomic offer: ‘Could you hold down some beans on toast?’ Gail Platt, to son David, Coronation Street.

Character change of the century: ‘I just need
a bit o’ space… I’m just a bit depressed.’ Grant ‘I ’ad therapy in Brazil’ Mitchell, EastEnders.

Greatest performance by an overworked supporting
‘Morning, Doc.’ Postman, EastEnders.

Least-likely-to-be responded-to alarm call: ‘Help me!’ Robbie Hunter, Home And Away.

8th April 2006
Best insult:

“Why don’t you have a sausage on a stick and feel free
to leave the sausage.” Norris Cole, to Blanche Hunt,
Coronation Street.

Plotline of the week:
“I’ve got special bananas today.” Martin Fowler,

Least likely scenario:
“You gotta start thinking.” Grant Mitchell, to brother
Phil, EastEnders.

Greatest statement of the obvious:
“I’m such an idiot.” Amanda Vale, Home and Away.

Most welcome mathematical outcome:
“I think it’s best if I remove myself from the
equation for a while.” Hayley Lawson, Home and Away.

1st April 2006
Killjoy of the week:

“They were never suited any’ow - ’im up there an’ ’er
down ’ere.” Blanche Hunt, about Phil Nail and Gail
Platt, Coronation Street.

Most suspect reason to be cheerful:
“I bet Deirdre’s glad she picked Ken now.” Blanche
Hunt, about Mike Baldwin’s Alzheimer’s, Coronation

Best laugh:
“I ’ad therapy.” Grant Mitchell, EastEnders.

Most superfluous detail:
“He’s into linen these days.” Danny Moon, about Johnny
Allen’s wardrobe, EastEnders.

Gay Pride moment of the week:
“A Dingle? Batting for the wrong team? Not natural.”
Zak Dingle, about Debbie Dingle, Emmerdale.

25th March 2006

“You’ve been a scheming, money-grabbing cow, and if
you come near my Tyrone again, I’ll crush you to
dust.” Molly Compton, to Maria Sutherland, Coronation

“It’s so ‘ard to believe.” Dot Branning, about
Sonia/Naomi relationship, EastEnders.

“Don’t be gormless.” Jake Moon, to Danny Moon,

“My God, Hayley, you look beautiful.” Leah Baker, to
Hayley Lawson, Home and Away.

“He’s a silver-tongued mongrel, that’s for sure.” Alf
Stewart, about Josh West, Home and Away.

18th March 2006
Most welcome pottery news:

“God broke the mould when ’e made you, Roy Cropper.”
Eileen Grimshaw, Coronation Street.

Lesbian romantic of the week:
“You say you’re gonna tell ’im an’ ’ere you are
writin’ an essay on urinary tract infections.” Naomi
Julien, to Sonia Fowler, about the latter’s husband
Martin, EastEnders.

Most prominent gay rights activist:
“She’s the weirdo, not you.” Ian Beale, to Martin,
about gay Naomi, EastEnders.

Character most in tune with viewers’ sentiments:
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me.” Nancy Hayton,

Potentially quickest scene:
“I’m gonna go and clear my head.” Scott Hunter, Home
and Away.

11th March 2006
Most dubious maternal instinct:

“I’m just tryna protect you; I’m trying to be a good
mother.” Sally Webster, to Rosie, after taking her on
Dales car drive from hell.

Sensitive husband of the week:
“How could you be so flamin’ shtewpid?” Ashley
Peacock, to wife Claire, Coronation Street.

Least encouraging news:
“Whatever happens, I’ll be here, I promise.” Peggy
Mitchell, to grandson Ben, EastEnders.

Exciting plotline of the week:
“So you reckon I should put my seeded potatoes in
there?” Charlie Slater, to Jack Edwards, at allotment,

Romantic of the week:
“You can take ‘em off in ‘ere.” Ste, to Amy Barnes,
inviting her onto back seat of car, Hollyoaks.

4th March 2006

The million dollar question:
“Is ‘e the tiddly one, or the one with the big
fore’ead?” Vera Duckworth, about Ant McParlin,
Coronation Street.

Most exciting prospect:
“I thought I might do you a tank top for your
birthday.” Blanche Hunt, to Deirdre Barlow, Coronation

Potentially shortest conversation in history:
“We can have a quiet time, remembering all the good
things about Kathy.” Dot Branning, to Pauline Fowler,
about Kathy Beale, EastEnders.

Most distorted logic:
“It was a short cut, that’s all.” Sam Owen, about
drugging and date raping girls, Hollyoaks.

Greatest competing philosophers:
“Everything happens for a reason.” “Some things are
just meant to be, I guess.” Leah Patterson-Baker and Hayley Lawson, Home and Away.     

25th February 2006
Award for greatest self-awareness:

“It’s not that I propose a lot; it’s just that I get
turned down a lot.” Fred Elliott, Coronation Street.

Most obvious damning by faint praise:
“I think you’re made for each other.” Claire Peacock,
to Fred Elliott and Bev Unwin, Coronation Street.

Most welcome news for viewers:
“It’ll never, ever happen again.” Patrick Trueman, to
wife Yolande, about affair with Pat Evans, EastEnders.

Sensitive messenger of the week:
“I’m so sorry, Ian. She’s gone. Kathy’s dead.” Jane
Collins, to Ian Beale, EastEnders.

The ever thickening plot:
“Aren’t you the one who slept with a teenager when you
were married to my mum?” Darren Osborne, to father
Jack, Hollyoaks.


18th February 2006
Least surprising news:

“She’s been acting odd just recently.” Norris Cole,
about Rita Sullivan, Coronation Street.

Scariest moment:
“I’m warm, I’m alive; come and get me.” Eileen
Grimshaw, to Ed, Coronation Street.

Child lover of the week:
“When did your face last see a flannel?” Viv Windsor,
to Belle Dingle, Emmerdale.

Greatest damning by faint praise:
“He can do a lovely service, when he puts his mind to
it.” Viv, about Revd Ashley Thomas, Emmerdale.

Award for too much information:
“We’ve got an hour of creative marketing now.” Jessica
Harris, Hollyoaks.  

11th February 2006
Least surprising news:
“She’s been acting odd just recently.” Norris Cole,
about Rita Sullivan, Coronation Street.

Scariest moment:
“I’m warm, I’m alive; come and get me.” Eileen
Grimshaw, to Ed, Coronation Street.

Child lover of the week:
“When did your face last see a flannel?” Viv Windsor,
to Belle Dingle, Emmerdale.

Greatest damning by faint praise:
“He can do a lovely service, when he puts his mind to
it.” Viv, about Revd Ashley Thomas, Emmerdale.

Award for too much information:
“We’ve got an hour of creative marketing now.” Jessica
Harris, Hollyoaks.  

4th February 2006
Shortest memory:

“I just wanna live in a normal family like I used to.”
David Platt, Coronation Street.

Romantic of the week:
“Flash and cash will always compensate for lower
league status.” Garry Hobbs, about women, EastEnders.

Most daunting prospect:
“Now you’re ‘avin’ a Mitchell baby, I’m gonna look
after you.” Peggy Mitchell, to Honey Edwards,

Understatement of the week:
“There is something not quite right with Terence.”
Betty Eagleton, about Terence Turner, Emmerdale.

Philosopher of the week:
“The destination may not be great, but boy, is it fun
getting there.” Mel Burton, about hangovers,

28th January 2006
Bereavement counsellor of the week:

“ ‘e’s losin’ ‘is marbles, so it can’t be that long.”
Leanne Battersby, about Mike Baldwin, Coronation

Character most in need of visit to optician:
“You look nice.” Jamie Baldwin, to Violet Wilson,
Coronation Street.

Least likely to be fulfilled dream:
“I just want fings to go back to normal.” Mickey
Miller, EastEnders.

Greatest social climber:
“My future is wiv Keef.” Rosie Miller, about husband
Keith, EastEnders.

Viewers’ wishful thinking:
“I was miles away, then.” Steph Stokes, Emmerdale.

21st January 2006
Most interesting character development:
“Ken’s a dog whisperer.” Molly Crompton, about Ken Barlow
and Eccles, Coronation Street.

Greatest delusion:
“She’s a bright girl, is Dawn.” Len Reynolds, about Dawn
Woods, Emmerdale.

Most dubious example of “brightness.”
“You can’t change the past.” Dawn Woods, Emmerdale.

Psychologist of the week:
“Maybe he’s just weird because he’s a bit of a nerd.”
Jessica Harris, Hollyoaks.

Greatest self-awareness:
“Maybe I am a miserable cow.” Mel Burton, Hollyoaks.

14th January 2006
Best recipe for successful relationship:
" 'e opens 'is gob an' she listens." David Platt, about mother's relationship with Phil Nail, Coronation Street.

Greatest uphill struggle: "He just has to make you happy." Martin Fowler, to Pauline Fowler, about Joe Macer, EastEnders.

Greatest reason to mistrust: "You can trust me this time; you really can." Phil Mitchell, to Sharon Rickman, EastEnders.

Biggest evidence of impending unhappiness: "You, me and the baby are gonna be a happy family, and that's a promise." Hayley Lawson, to Kim Hyde, Home and Away.

Least likely to be fulfilled wish: "I hope that one day you find happiness." Leah Patterson, to Jesse McGregor, Home and Away.

31st December 2005
Most unlucky family:
Family Affairs' Costellos. Cancer, GBH, lost daughter - not to mention Gary's inability to apply hair gel.

Best use of prop:
Doorstop to crack a dent in Den's skull, EastEnders. Least good use of props - all the unsold fruit and veg on Martin's stall.

Most irritable pairing:
Home and Away's Tasha and Robbie. Floods, fires, murders, abductions, elopements - and this insipid, uninteresting pair are still with us. Why?

Best event:
Coronation Street's Battersby/Brown wedding. Warnings about possible strobing should have been issued before the costumes hit the screen.

Most incompetent police force:
All of them.

Greatest achievement:
Emmerdale's Victoria learning to speak. It's only taken her a decade.

Most promising New Best Friend for 2006:
Home and Away's Jesse. Yes, I'm still going to be working on it. I might even take up jogging to stand a better chance of running with him on the beach.

Greatest nautical achievement without moving a hair:
Steph pushing Shelly over the edge of a ship, Emmerdale.

Most terrifying character:
EastEnders' newcomer, Honey. If she opens those eyes any wider, I reckon hunters are going to be shooting her down in the moonlight.

Most welcome comeback:
EastEnders' Ross Kemp, who returned briefly as tough man Grant Mitchell. Not enough of his thighs on show on this return, though.

Best male actor:
Cliff Parisi (Coronation Street's Minty). Fantastic comic actor, who can also do the really poignant stuff, such as when his friendship with Garry was threatened by the latter's impending lovelife.

Best female actor:
Jessie Wallace (EastEnders' Kat). Continues to astound with her incredible range. Her character's scenes with Little mo following the discovery of Alfie's duplicity were among the best in the show's history.

24th December 2005
Social event of the season:
D'you wanna share me chips?" Sally Webster, to daughter Rosie, Coronation Street.

Grand-daughter of the week:
"You were a stupid slapper; it doesn't mean I'm going to be one." Rosie, to Audrey Roberts, Coronation Street.

Greatest philosopher:
"Love's great, but on its own, sometimes it's not enough." Kat Moon, to estranged husband Alfie, EastEnders.

Groundhog Day moment:
"We need to talk." Sonia Fowler, to husband Martin, EastEnders.

Pass the bucket award:
"You are my soulmate." "You make me feel like everything's gonna be all right." Dan and Leah Baker's wedding vows, Home and Away.

17th December 2005
Least self-aware character:
"I'm not a complete wazzock." Keith Appleyard, Coronation Street.

Politically correct moment of the week:
"Why do black blokes go for white birds?" Jim Branning, EastEnders.

Least likely outcome:
"You've gotta spend some time being normal." Kat Moon, to estranged husband, Alfie, EastEnders.

Least likely to be fulfilled request:
"Don't do anything stupid." Laurel Thomas, to husband Ashley, Emmerdale.

Biggest sign of imminent row:
"The whole night is perfect." Cassie Turner, to Ric Dalby, Home and Away.

10th December 2005
Best girls at war:
"Go an' shave yer 'ead again; you can audition for the next Lord o' the Rings." Sally Webster, to Janice Battersby, Coronation Street.

Best character on a roll: "It might not be hanging on yer nose anymore, but you're still a drip." Sally to Paul Seddon, Coronation Street.

Girlfriend of the week: "You stupid, thick fool of a man." Chrissy Watts, to Jake Moon, EastEnders.

Least eagerly awaited moment: "Frank. What are you doin' ' ere?" Pat Evans, to Frank Butcher, EastEnders.

Least self-aware character: "I'm not 'appy, but I'm not thick, either." Jimmy King, Emmerdale.

3rd December 2005
Greatest perception of male species:
"Best looking ones are always fairies." Yana Lamb, Coronation Street.

Most sensitive local:
"Any news on Cyclops? . . . It's not Nathan's fault those two are walking around like Peters and Lee." Tracy Barlow, about blinded Ashley and wife Claire, Coronation Street.

Least aspirational woman of all time:
"Do you think I'll be as clever and wise as you one day?" Naomi Julien, to Pauline Fowler, EastEnders.

Unfair to cereal award:
"Martin is about as interesting as a bowl of porridge." Naomi, about Martin Fowler, EastEnders.

Paternal moment of the week:
"You've been having sex in this house with a murder suspect!" Rob Owen, to daughter Nicole, Hollyoaks.

26th November 2005
Most dubious honour:
"You are the toast of Greater Manchester." Hayley Cropper, to husband Roy, Coronation Street.

Greatest sign of imminent subterfuge:
"No more secrets or lies." Ruby Allen, to Juley Smith, EastEnders.

Father of the week:
"Maybe if I'd got you some treatment, you wouldn't have turned out so wrong." Alan Turner, to daughter Steph Stokes, Emmerdale.

Greatest romantic:
"Get that down yer neck." Zak Dingle, to wife Lisa, Emmerdale.

Most obvious hint of wreath arrival:
"You've got a lot to look forward to." Doug MacKenzie, to Gary and Chrissy Costello, Family Affairs.